Step 1: Find a piece of ice small enough to fit in your mouth. If no such piece exists, you can create one by chipping off a fragment from a larger piece with a sharp tool, such as a knife or a pick.
Addendum 1a: If using a sharp tool, handle with care so as not to accidentally cut or pierce yourself. Set it aside on a flat, stable surface when you are finished using it. Do not forget where you put it; leaving it unattended is potentially unsafe.
Step 2: Once you have found a suitable piece of ice, examine it for any foreign elements such as metal or wood shavings, dirt or plant matter. Your body does not produce enough heat to melt any of these substances. They should be removed and discarded before you begin.
Addendum 2a: The above statement is true, no matter what your prior experience tells you. You have never contained a heat strong enough to melt metal. Memory is relative. Perceptions can become skewed over long passages of time.
Addendum 2b: Wood, plant matter and other organic substances do not melt. They just burn. The reasons for this are outside the purview of this field guide.
Step 3: Extend your tongue, and gently place the fragment of ice upon it. If your tongue will not extend on its own, you can guide it with the index finger and thumb of your dominant hand.
Step 4: Retract your tongue back into your mouth, with the ice fragment balanced upon it. If your tongue will not retract on its own, repeat the modification outlined in Step 3. Close your jaw firmly shut.
Step 5: Breathe through your nose. It is vital that oxygen continues to flow to your brain during this process. Do not attempt to breathe through your mouth, as the ice fragment may fall out. You don’t want to repeat Steps 3 and 4 again. They were complicated enough the first time.
Step 6: Resist the temptation to swallow the ice fragment. If you do, you will have to begin the whole process over.
Addendum 6a: It is possible the ice fragment will melt in your stomach after you swallow it, but you will have no way of confirming this without initiating other procedures (consult Seeing What’s Inside: A Field Guide for more information on this topic.) Even if you confirm the ice has indeed melted in your stomach, you will probably not be satisfied. This procedure is about more than just results.
Step 7: You may begin to lose sensation in your tongue. Don’t worry. It’s a sign that you still had some sensation there to begin with. You probably didn’t have to use the modification of Steps 3 and 4. This has been easy for you, so far. Reflect on that.
Step 8: At this stage, you may begin to feel moisture dripping down your throat. Do your best to swallow it without dislodging the un-melted portion of the ice fragment.
Addendum 8a: If you don’t feel the above, don’t blame yourself. You didn’t ask for this.
Step 9: Wait.
Step 10: You may find it helpful to think of warm, orally-focused activities, such as drinking hot soup, vomiting, or kissing someone with tongue. This will not speed up the actual melting process, but it may relax you and help keep you focused on your goal. Even a tiny drop of moisture on the back of your throat is a sign of progress.
Addendum 10a: No matter what you end up thinking about, try not to cry. It won’t help, and it will make it harder to breathe through your nose. Refer to Step 5 for why this is undesirable.
Addendum 10b: Trust us on this one. Don’t cry.
Step 11: By now, you might be having doubts that the ice is ever going to melt. This is not productive thinking. Pure water ice melts at 32 degrees Fahrenheit. The human mouth has an average temperature of 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit. If the ice is failing to melt, there are implications outside the purview of this field guide. Now might be a good time to refer back to Step 2, and make sure the ice is truly, only ice. Mistakes happen. Things are not always what they seem.
Step 12: If, at this point, the ice has truly melted, you may swallow the water that has accumulated in your mouth. You may also spit it out, but if you do so, your body will not retain any of the hydration benefits of the water. (Consult Resource Management and Avoiding Waste: A Field Guide for more information on this topic.)
Step 13: If, at this point, no progress has been made in melting the ice, you are going to have to consider the possibility that:
– Your mouth is not a human mouth (see Mammalian Orifices and Their Uses: A Field Guide for more information on this topic.)
– Your body temperature is lower than 32 degrees Fahrenheit.
– You didn’t want it badly enough.
– You made a mistake somewhere between Steps 1 and 11.
Addendum 13a: If you feel like trying again, refer back to Step 1 and repeat the process as needed.
Addendum 13b: We know it shouldn’t be like this. We’re sorry.
Morgan Roth is a writer of horror and experimental fiction. They live in Western Massachusetts.
Published 8/7/26